Reminiscing and Revelations
I feel invigorated and empowered yesterday after revealing my blog posts on social media. I honestly didn't think anyone would have any interest in reading what I had to say, but I actually had quite a few people message me privately to tell me their stories and show their support. I am so grateful to those that reached out to me to lift me up and allow me to see myself in a different light. I really do have a great group of family and friends and you all mean the world to me. You made me realize that depression is a lot more prevalent than I had realized and you can never truly know what one person is going through unless you are walking in their shoes. Most or all of us put on a front for the rest of the world to see but inside everyone is facing their own inner demons. I always believed that loving yourself was something that came naturally and with ease, however I am not alone in battling insecurities, self hate, and doubts. Learning to love yourself for who you are and not what others expect you to be is a life long journey paved with twists, turns, and detours.
Yesterday my husband and I spent the day together walking around Ball State University's campus. It was amazing to be able to show him around where I spent my first year and a half of college. I may not have graduated from Ball State but the experiences that I had or didn't have really formed me into who I am today. Although I am literally paying for those experiences and not so much the education I received, I wouldn't wish for anything differently because the people I met in that short period of time lead me to Indianapolis and the life that I have now.
Stepping onto campus memories both good and bad began to flood my brain. The top of the parking garage next to Woodworth was where I had received my first kiss and was asked to be in my first real relationship. The science building lecture room was where I first learned how brutal, cutthroat, and competitive nursing school was going to be. A lifelong friendship blossomed between my freshman roommate and I in our small cramped, non air-conditioned dorm room in the nunnery. A lot of the campus was new and renovated but at the same time it still seemed the same. There is still that traffic light that chirps allowing students to crisscross through the busiest road on campus. The atrium aka Chick- fil- a, is still the most popular place for lunch and there still isn't enough student seating. The campus still buzzes with the same happy energy that it did years ago and all of the greenery and old stone buildings are still absolutely gorgeous.
Coming to Ball State University in 2009 straight out of high school I was a very shy, socially awkward, 5ft 11in 120lb disproportionate, clumsy, freshman. I honestly think I spent most of my time there living in my sweats, hair in a bun, and no make up on my face. I was not the most glamorous teenager and I knew that I was not what society at that time deemed beautiful. I tried my best to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be and tried to keep up on fashion trends but nothing that was "in style" ever looked good on my figure. I was horrible at applying makeup and was never one that guys my age found attractive or asked out on dates. I entered my freshman year with a new freedom and excitement that maybe finally I was going to stand out in a crowd and be noticed. Well lets just say that definitely did not happen and if anything I became more secluded and socially awkward than before entering college.
I mean just look at this picture of me from my freshman year of college. This was actually me on a good day at a family function. I'm the one with the long curly hair, nerdy smile, and overrated Aero shirt. I mean I was happy, I made a new circle of friends, I was chasing my dream of getting into nursing school and becoming a nurse, but at the same time I didn't live out my full potential. The one regret that I have from this time in my life is that I had closed myself off to new experiences and I couldn't overcome my shyness. I didn't give anything a real college try or go out of my way to meet new people or indulge in new experiences.
I realize that this is still one of the many problems I face on a daily basis. I am quick to say no to new things and experiences without first giving them a try. I have convinced myself that I do not like certain things without actually knowing if I will like it or not. I'm afraid to step out of my bubble and comfort zone, take risks, and experience all that life has to offer. I have difficulty making friends because I come off snobbish and closed off to those that attempt to get to know me. I am still socially awkward and clam up in new unfamiliar situations. I let others walk all over me instead of standing up for myself because I hate confrontation. These are all things that I need to work on in order to know who I am and live a happier life.
I have been slowly working towards standing up for myself and saying what needs to be said rather than avoiding confrontation. Over the last two years alone at work I have noticed myself becoming more assertive and certain, which needs to now bleed more into my social life. My husband is a very outgoing person and assertive. He is able to make friends easily and will stick up for me when he feels I am being treated unfairly. The difference in our social skills has really caused tension between the two of us in our relationship and marriage. We have had to learn that I am the type of person that lets things go and allows frustrations to build up inside until I eventually blow. He is the type of person that faces all issues and arguments head on. We are trying to navigate these rough waters and come to a happy medium but it is definitely not easy.
One thing that has become a prevalent argument lately is his new found love of firearms. I am and have always been against guns and it is hard for me to even listen to him when he is speaking upon this subject. Visiting Ball State University yesterday and reminiscing on my past, I realize I may have judged this situation prematurely. Charlie has been asking me to go to the shooting range with him and I have been adamantly refusing. I think that I haven't given this situation enough of a chance and that just because I haven't had any interest in firearms in the past, doesn't mean that I can completely close myself off. So today I have decided to allow Charlie to take me to the shooting range later this week or next week and open myself up to this new experience. Yes I have gone shooting before, but I have never experienced it with my husband and in this new process of bettering myself I need to open myself up to new things. Even if I end up hating it, at least I can say that I tried and am pushing myself outside of my comfort zone. I know that all my husband really wants is for me to try and I don't know why I was so stubborn and against it before now. I hope that through this experience I can continue to open myself up more and allow myself to continue to grow.
Here are some photos of our day tip to Ball State University:
FYI if you are in the area, Ball State University in Muncie, Indiana, is a beautiful campus. I have so many more pictures I can post. It is a cheap day trip and has art, character, beautiful scenery, and free entertainment with the Art Museum and Rinard Orchid Greenhouse. We may go back when it gets warmer to do some more walking around when it isn't snowing out and to see all of the beautiful spring flowers in Christy Woods and green landscaping across campus.