Apologies

I have always believed that people don't change or can't change and that who you are stays who you are for all of time. But if you don't know who you are, what you were destined for, or what makes you the way you are, then it is impossible for this statement to be true. I used to know who I was, what I wanted out of life, and the things that made me tick. However, I have realized that I am different than I used to be and some things that I used to avoid I now enjoy. Everyone evolves and grows at their own pace and I think that the direction of which we choose our life to go has the capability to make us a better or different person than we were. I now believe that every person is capable of change but the core of a person is what always stays the same. For example I am a shy and timid individual, that will never change, but I have adapted over the years and hope to continue to grow in order to gain new friends and relationships. Publishing this blog to social media and allowing others to read my deep thoughts and life experiences was definitely a start to this process. I have never been able to open up to people and let them in to my inner circle. Most people do not know a lot of the dark patches I have had to go throughout my life and the struggles I have faced. Honestly if some people knew of those things they might see me in a completely different light or darkness.

These last couple of years I have been focusing so much on the people around me and how they have changed that I lost sight of how far I had come from my original self. After my last break up I was so focused on how my ex had changed and it left me feeling betrayed. I felt that with his new girlfriend he was a completely different person, a person that I hated, a person that threw our friendship to the sidelines, a person that was putting up a front and not being true to who he was. I was angry at both him and his girlfriend as I saw and heard their relationship blossom into something that we never had. I was cruel to both him and her, constantly judged them for what they were or weren't doing, and compared my own relationship with Charlie to theirs. It wasn't easy seeing someone that you had once planned a life with now planning a similar life with someone else. There was a lot of drama, harsh words, and manipulation on both sides. I felt like the girlfriend and I were in competition with one another constantly trying to be prettier, smarter, more fun, and better than one another.

The competition, comparison, fighting, and mean girl attitudes (once again on both sides) really took a toll on me and turned me into a person I never wanted to become. I am ashamed at some of the things that I said, ashamed of how I acted, and most ashamed that I couldn't just be happy for my friend that was finding his happiness. Now I'm not over the things that were said about me, how my reputation was called into question, or some very personal things that were used against me in arguments, but I have realized that I need to take some of the blame for what happened. I could have ignored or deflected arguments, I could have just ended my friendship, and I honestly just could have done everything differently. However, here I am three years later and the fighting has just stopped. The fights and arguments went on for way too long and in a way I continued to allow them to and continued to let people get underneath my skin. I allowed those things that were said about me in anger to change my perspective of myself and actually began to believe that what was being said about me was the truth.

These events were part of the reason that I spiraled into depression, but they weren't the only cause. Looking back now I feel ridiculous that I let things get so out of control and that I allowed myself to think less of me due to the thoughts of someone else. If I were a stronger person those words may not have hurt me as much, the loss of a friend wouldn't have been so damaging, and I would not have felt the need to compare and contrast myself with others. If I were different I wouldn't have felt unworthy and felt like I wasn't deserving of the life I wanted.

What I didn't realize until now is that everyone is capable of change and when you meet the right person, change is inevitable. My ex may have changed, but I had changed as well. I mean one of the main reasons we broke up was because we had both grown into different people and grown apart rather than growing together. When you meet the person you are meant to share your life with you see things differently, act differently, and enjoy new things that you may not have enjoyed before. I never enjoyed photography before or taking pictures of myself, but with my husband I enjoy creating photographing our memories to reminisce about later. I used to be a homebody and spend every day and night cuddled up on the couch with a movie or book, but now I find myself craving new adventures and experiences. Everything changes when you meet the right person and you become a different person whether you mean to or not.

So this is my apology to all parties that were involved in this mess, including myself. I'm sorry for the way that I acted, the things that I said, and ignoring your growth. None of us are bad people we just put ourselves in a bad situation. You didn't change for the worse or put up a front, you had simply become a different person than I had known. At your core you are still the same but you changed aspects of yourself in order to find happiness in your relationship and yourself. All of us deserve to be happy and I hope that you are able to find yours as I am working on mine. I don't expect us to ever be friends or even friendly with all of the things that were said. However, I hope that if ever we are in the same place at the same time we are able to be civil. I am moving on past what has happened, forgiving myself and everything that was said against me. I can't forget what happened but I am choosing to move on and learn to forgive in order to heal.