Rumor Has It
I have always been an independent person and struggled with accepting help from others. It's something I am constantly working on overcoming in both my personal life and nursing career. I am the type of person that will be emotionally and physically drowning to the point of tears and still not ask for help. At work I pride myself on completing tasks myself instead of delegating it to others that are more than capable of assisting. At home I would rather do all the housework myself (the correct way) instead of watching my husband do it his way (the wrong way). I put this extreme amount of pressure on myself to be as independent as possible and beat myself up when I am forced to ask for help. I put the weight of the world on my shoulders and scold myself when I'm no longer able to hold it up.
Over the past couple of years there is one situation in particular in which I received financial help and was criticized for it. This situation has haunted me and still haunts me to this day. I hadn't ever planned on writing about it but my thoughts, mind, and words keep circling back to it. I feel like unless I write about it and am able to transfer these feelings elsewhere, I am never going to stop punishing myself unnecessarily or be able to move on.
I have always struggled financially and when I decided to go away to college it wasn't any different. I grew up struggling and because my mom fell into the lower middle class tax bracket, I was not given any government financial assistance for my education. I took out as many government loans as I could, borrowed from friends and family, and worked full time in order to be able to afford college. My first whole year of nursing school I worked full time and when school began to become too busy for that, I found another position working part time, but as many hours as I was available. The 3 years I was in nursing school, unless I was on a spring or summer break from classes, I was either working, in class, or studying. As the financial burden continued to grow and I started receiving less and less loan assistance, I was forced to skip classes in order to pick up work shifts. I worked myself to the bone physically, emotionally, and mentally in order to achieve my dream of becoming an RN. Towards my last semester of school I was in such financial trouble that I was going to have to skip a semester of school so that I could work full time to pay off my bill before being allowed to register for the upcoming semester. I was fine with that, it wasn't ideal but I was willing to put my dreams on hold one semester if it was absolutely necessary. However, my boyfriend at the time knew how important finishing school was to me and our future, so he offered me a loan.
After accepting the loan, I was criticized, judged, and was even called a "golddigger". It was only exacerbated by the fact that it was said by a group of people that I had come to trust and regard as family. I was called out at a family gathering in which I did not attend as I was working. I was not able to defend myself nor was I able to confront the individuals involved. I feel like I have never been able to receive any closure and thus have been struggling to remove the incident and feelings associated with it from my mind.
It has been 3 years since I was called a golddigger and for some reason it is still hard for me to shake. I just don't understand how anyone can think that of me. Do I put out that kind of vibe? Do I take advantage of others? Do I come off as ungrateful and undeserving? These are all thoughts that have been going through my head over and over again. I have dissected the situation a million different ways a million different times and I still don't get it. After all this time, I still can't see myself the same way that those individuals did and I'm realizing now that I never will.
I am now realizing that I am not the person that I was accused of being. I am not a golddigger, I do not take advantage of others, I am not ungrateful and I am not undeserving. I go out of my way to make sure that everyone else is taken care of before taking care of myself. I have never taken advantage of anyone in my lifetime and am actually the one that is constantly being used and then thrown away. I have had to work extremely hard for everything that I have achieved and nothing was ever handed to me. I have shown my appreciation and gratefulness for those that have helped me along this path and will continue to do so. I am a good, selfless, kindhearted, and hardworking person and deserve all of the great things that life has brought me.
It may have taken me a while to realize this and even though I have had to go through a lot of hurt in order to find myself, I wouldn't change any of it. If I could go back in time I would make the exact same choices as I had previously made because those choices led me to where I am today. Without struggle there is no growth and I truly believe that achievements are sweeter when you work for them. I know that the people previously involved in this situation may never read this, but I am okay with that because I know who I am and who I am not. I may not have been able to stick up for myself when this first came about, but I am strong enough to stick up for myself now and that is all that really matters. Everyone needs help every once in a while and I shouldn't feel afraid or ashamed to accept it. I am at peace with my inner self and I know that I am not what I was rumored to be. I can finally move on with my life and leave this part of my past in the past. I can and will continue to prove these individuals wrong just by being myself. Everyday I'm striving to be better than I was the day before and each new realization brings me closer to this.
I am still working on being okay with accepting help from others. It's a daily process of telling myself that even though I would like to be superwoman, I am not. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, but I am a good person. Accepting help and asking for help does not make me lesser of a person or a golddigger. Everyone needs and deserves help throughout their lifetime and should not be criticized for it. Every new day is a fresh start and brings new opportunities for personal growth and realization. Each day I'm just trying to be better than I was the day before and continue on this journey of finding myself.